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avoidance and denial

On the subject of reality, I feel like I have been lying in therapy, or more accurately lying to myself. My therapist would ask me if I wanted to lose weight. I’d say I didn’t care. He asked me if I wanted love, because he thought I would be good in a relationship, I’m a good listener. I said I didn’t want the complication because I didn’t want to put the time and effort to take of someone else’s needs. I am so full of shit. I deny what I need because I don’t think I can achieve it, I don’t want to work for a losing cause, I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to get hurt. I’m 37, and I feel like my life is so freaking dead. I don’t want a life like this for the next 40 years or more before I die. I want to have fun and feel alive. I am so much more than this. I see it in my writing. The more I see the more crappy I feel about my crappy life. Last week my therapist said that I have a great life because I’m doing what I want, which is to write, because that’s what I told him that I wanted. But really deep down inside I know I want more. I just don’t know if it’s attainable. If I’m deluding myself. I want to recognize my limitations. I want to know where I am in the world. I don’t want to live at home forever. I don’t want to be disabled. I want a full life. Is it just a whimsy? How do I know what ‘s real?

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changed name

I changed my WordPress public display name again, so whenever I comment on a WordPress blog, I will be awaiting moderation at least for the first comment. LOL. I will probably be posting more memoir type stuff. I have a lot of secrets. There are certain people I don’t want reading my blog. I’ve also disassociated this blog with my RL website, but I don’t mind associating it with my sexy stories site. LOL. I feel like this blog has been a mess lately. I am tempted to purge my blog entries again, but I have written a lot of stuff and generated a following, who are for the most part legitimate. It’s cool having readers. Anyway, I haven’t slept much. I have a few things I want to do before logging off the Internet. More later.

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reality check

I’m glad there are books like Wide Sargasso Sea to remind me that I’m not a great writer and not so far above every other aspiring novelist or struggling writer. I think I’m a good writer, better than some, but I have to remind myself not to think so big. To recognize my limitations. Know my range like a hunter. I got so many mixed messages growing up. It’s hard to see myself sometimes, know who I am, what I really want, separate me from who my parents want me to be. Maybe it’s not all that complicated. I’m sure there are lots of people in the world who want more in life or want things that are unattainable. Sometimes I forget that I’m not the only one in life who has problems. I was thinking last night that my needs are changing again. I don’t care as much about writing a bestseller or even selling a books. If I can just have an audience, I would even give my books away as ebooks, unless my books were really good and I feel I should get compensated, otherwise just sharing my stories and having an audience validate them would be good enough for me. But atm what I really want is a boyfriend. I feel so lame just writing that. I know human companionship is a normal thing people want, but just writing that sounds so so desperate. It wasn’t hard to get guys when I was younger and had more of a social life, but I have been writing all these damn sex stories lately I am wondering if I should be answering yes on the Mood Disorder Questionnaire to “Have you experienced an increased interest in sex?” LOL. Am I being out of control bipolar manic or am I just being human? I am pretty sure if I looked as sexy as I write, I wouldn’t be blogging this but I’d be sexing up a guy right now between the sheets. I kinda miss that. Idk how I am gonna meet a guy nowadays. I met my last boyfriend at a psych hospital where we were both inpatients. He was schizoaffective, had a huge temper, and didn’t know how to save money. The sex was okay, but not super fabulous. I don’t remember if he ever made me climax, but the intercourse felt good for sure, just I never got anywhere. And he kept having issues being schizoaffective and a Christian and feeling guilty about us having unmarried sex. Whereas I was pretty clear I didn’t want to be with him if we didn’t have sex. LOL. I didn’t blame him for not being able to make me climax, I have accepted long ago that most guys just don’t do it very well, I do it better than most of my partners, and take it for a given that orgasm during intercourse is not gonna happen for me. I go in with this expectation I am never disappointed. I do however get bored and frustrated and sometimes when having sex just can’t wait until it’s over and the guy comes. I used to remember feeling like I was on a quest to find the guy who would give me an orgasm and whoever he was I’d marry him. I found the guy, but after awhile, he got too comfortable and stopped wanting to have sex. I didn’t get it. It was so weird. Why is it my ex’s fucked like bunnies at the start of our relationships and then just sort of fizzled out? Was it me? Maybe they stopped being attracted to me. Idk. Anyway, I think I am gonna go back to writing my sexy stories. It is more fun than thinking about unsexy ex-boyfriends. LOL.

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T&A on FB

Some old high school classmate is liking T&A pics, which FB is posting to my news feed. I cannot figure out how to block this. I might have to turn on my laptop to figure it out, I am on my iPad atm. It’s very freaking annoying. Some of the chicks are rather raunchy. If it were a woman posting raunchy pics of men in briefs lol, I wouldn’t like them either. I don’t really seeing photos of bulging male body parts, unless they are in flattering context. Like David Beckham in male underwear TV commercial. Or those throwback Calvin Klein ads. Or Maks or Derek Hough doing the Paso Doble shirtless on Dancing With the Stars. That’s hot. Not some hairy dude spreading his thick thighs obscenely. I have never been to a strip club though I know some chicks who have. I was always kinda curious about it though. I might write sexy stories, but all in all, I think I’m more of a nice girl than an easy girl, and I prefer class over crass. I gotta say though… I do kinda wanna see Channing Tatum’s “Magic Mike”…

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skimming

As a reader, if the book isn’t very good or the author’s style doesn’t captivate me, but I want to know how the story ends, I end up skimming through the book. I have read so many romance novels in my lifetime, I skim through the sex scenes especially if it’s just about groping body parts and achieving orgasm, unless getting there is written well enough to be erotic and intellectually satisfying. For the most part, in average romance novels, there’s not enough tension or suspense or creativity in the lovemaking that if I want to know how the story ends, I skip it. Any bad writing, I skim skim skim. With crappy fantasy novels, there’s no point for me to skim, because usually the heroes are males and unless I can view them as a romantic hero, idealize them in some way, then I don’t care what happens to him and I don’t bother reading or skimming to the end. There has to be something really cool about him if he doesn’t fulfill my romantic fantasy (romantic just meaning that I can fall in love with him, not in a masturbatory way LOL). As a female reader, I have to be able to fantasize about him in another way. He’s got to be immensely powerful or be funny or charming or smart and witty, or just super cool like the Avengers superheroes. Right now, my favorite male fantasy character is Kaladin from Brandon Sanderson’s The Way of Kings because his magical abilities are so freaking cool. He’s godlike. The young King Kelson in Katherine Kurtz’s Deryni novels was magically awesome too, and so politically astute. I was in awe. Until he got married. LOL. IMO, she should never have written King Kelson’s Bride. There was also Jimmy the Hand, a supercool thief from Feist’s Riftwar saga. And yeah, Garion’s coming of age into sorcery and defeating the evil god Torak in Eddings’ Belgariad was so fun to read too. So, I guess what I’m saying is that it has to magical, if not I’m gonna pass or skim. There are very few fantasy writers IMO who have that magic to make magic magical. And it’s just as hard to write sex scenes in a sexy exciting way. When I write my own stuff, if it bores me, I know it will bore other people. If it doesn’t wow me, then I feel like I’m being lazy. So, one of my writing goals is to make sure there’s something exciting or at the least interesting in the way I put words together so that my readers aren’t skimming or skipping pages. I prefer to be concise.

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batsheba.net

I started a new blog for my erotica and other fiction: batsheba.net. I chose Batsheba as my pen name because that’s the name I usually pick for my mains in MMO’s. She’s kinda like my alter ego. And it was convenient that I got the domain name I wanted. I like writing this stuff. I like writing about people and relationships. It’s fun. I could be happy writing this even if I didn’t make money as long as I had some other form of income. I like self-publishing too, because I have control of my work and freedom to express myself. I think the only other thing that would make me happy is to be in a relationship of my own. LOL. But I would need to be healthier in order to achieve that. I am not realistic when it comes to my own expectations in a relationship. I know what I want is beyond my reach. And because it’s unrealistic I know I’ll never be completely happy. But oh well. At least, I get to be a writer and write about characters who do get what they want most of the time, their happy ever afters. I guess I experience life and love vicariously through the characters in my writing. LOL. I’m okay with that. Overall, I’m okay. I am concerned that I might be multitasking and goal-oriented and obsessing with projects. I have multiple story ideas and writing a lot and having hard time sleeping because of all the ideas in my head. It might be a bipolar thing but I don’t care because some of my ideas are pretty good and effective. But I just don’t eat or sleep well when I’m in this overactive imaginative mode. All the ideas atm are distracting me from the novel. But I can’t get them out of my head. I’m going to work on the next part of the Sacramento St story. I know what I want to happen next.

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sex in public places?

Pop quiz: have you ever had sex in public? Where, when, how, how often? Sex = oral sex, intercourse with penetration, masturbation, with or without orgasm. Making out does not count.

Outdoors: forest, golf course
Cars: parked at beach x 2, parking lots x 2
Public buildings: university libraries x 2, movie theater
With other people sleeping in same room: multiple

I was also once in a relationship that was kinda taboo, but that was a long time ago. I don’t really have many fond memories of my sex life. I’ve only been able to climax through regular intercourse with only one guy, Ed. That was totally unbelievable when it happened. I was just like wow, I never thought it would happen, let’s get married. LOL. He was a good guy, but not very financially independent, and after awhile, he lost interest in sex, and I lost interest in him. He was still doing the clubbing thing, and I wanted to write. After that, my next ex bought me a vibrator/dildo called a dolphin, because I don’t think he wanted to do the work. He was an asshole, and had a small penis, so I broke up with him. Of course, I kept the dolphin.

Continue reading →

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my own

I like the new stuff I’ve drafted in Julien and Rika’s story. My friend Row thinks of it as Rika’s story. But it’s both, since Julien is the narrator, and I just love some of his interior monologue. I love being a writer. I love the way I write sometimes, especially when I can tell a familiar story in a creative and original way. “Make it your own,” as they say in Idol. And I like the way I think, how I can express my values in my writing hopefully without seeming preachy or heavy-handed. So, the other thing I like about writing is that I learn more about my values, the truths and meanings that matter to me. Writing started out as therapeutic for me. I would write mostly poems and some autobiographical stuff. And now, I can do something like that in my fiction. I feel like the more I write the better I get at it. Octavia Butler, one of my favorite sci-fi writers, said that practice and discipline matters more than talent. I believe it. I know how an inspiration can hang in your head but never take off. The only way to get there is just by doing it, keep writing, even if it sucks, because some of the sucky writing is about you exploring your thoughts. It’s like, apple pie, lemon meringue, or tiramisu? How do you know what you want unless you try it. I don’t think I’m the best writer in the world. There are so many greats out there. And so many different writing styles. But today, I like my writing. Maybe not myself so much. But I feel like a better person when I write well, because I can say I did something good with my life today.