On Oxnard Shores

hunter

KB — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 03:16:46 +0000

I’m a hunter again. Woot. Cyborg Bounty Hunter Imperial in SWTOR. I can blast missiles from my bracers. LOL. So, needless to say, I didn’t get much writing done today. I need to practice moderation. This game feels slightly addictive, and I don’t want to get so sucked into it that I neglect my writing. Trade and general chat quiet atm, which is nice. I hope the game doesn’t get polluted WoW-style and won’t be as much drama. I definitely do not want drama. Right now, I am just enjoying the role playing and questing and class abilities and environments. There are a lot more character customization options in SWTOR than WoW. And of course the cinematic cutscenes are very cool.

Hey Jun!

KB — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 05:30:02 +0000

Ryan Seacrest interviews a nervous Heejun Han before top 24 results in the Red Room.

Ryan: So, Heejun, what are you sweating?

Heejun: Mostly water.

ROFL. I love that guy. I hope he makes it through to at least the top 12. A lot of talent this season. But I’m like The Voice blind auditions more than Idol early rounds. Idol sucks before the (pre-taped) live shows.

sad ending

KB — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 03:09:44 +0000

I am trying to write the ending to Crow’s story but it is so depressing to me. I know this is the right ending for the story, but it still sucks having to write it. I can’t seem to get the right words out, or have the energy for it. It’s a struggle just to write the last couple paragraphs. LOL.

I think J’s story is missing something. The last scene. I’m not sure if I got the tone right. I just feel like it’s missing something. I think I could improve it, but I will wait to see whether or not it’s accepted. If it’s rejected, I’ll revise it and try another publisher.

I’m also working on the novel version of J’s story, and I’m finally getting around to revising my YA novel about London. I am working on an idea that will incorporate my Crow mythology in a kind of alternate reality. I have no reluctance whatsoever about describing my work as allegorical.

So, anyway, that’s 3 projects I’m working but I should have Crow done by tomorrow, if I don’t get distracted. First thing in the morning, finish Crow’s story. Then I’ll work on London and J, probably concurrently. Because I’m bipolar and I’m like that. LOL.

It’s so awesome that I’m writing, like really, really writing. A week ago, my confidence was so low, and now, I feel like I’m not so stupid after all. LOL. It’s a good time to be me. I should make the most of my ability and try not to think about all the bad things that could go wrong.

I’m putting in my 10,000 hours, damn it. Soon, I’ll be my own Jedi Master. Woot.

J Lin

KB — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 21:15:11 +0000

Okay, I don’t like to talk about politics publicly. At least, not too directly. But I have to say it, because I am so fed up with it and all the media about it. But really.

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Why are people racist toward Jeremy Lin? Is there something so strange about an Asian American male playing basketball and being good at it? Is there something inherently wrong about it? Why the racist remarks? And questioning his masculinity too? Why the ignorance and insensitivity? What did he ever do to you?

But mostly, why Jeremy Lin? I don’t get it. It’s not like there aren’t any Asian American male athletes. What about Hines Ward? He won a Super Bowl. And what about Olympic medalist Anton Ohno? Incidentally, both winners of Dancing With the Stars. And the most famous Asian American male athlete of all, Tiger Woods.

I really really don’t get it. It is hurtful and stupid. I can’t believe how ignorant some AMERICANS are. We will get behind our team to kill Osama Bin Laden, but we put a guy down who’s only playing basketball.

done with freaking WoW

KB — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 17:22:10 +0000

Finally, deleted WoW from my computer. I feel so free.

done with WoW

writing the novel

KB — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 09:36:46 +0000

I’m not going to give up on it. If I did I wouldn’t have an imaginary life to keep my real life going. Plus, I want to know what happens next. What happens after Rika wakes up? Do Rika and Julien win the war? Of course, in a fantasy love story, they have to, because we want our heroes to win. There was a lot of subplot that I left out of the story, so that I could tell this part of the narrative in a short story. Anyway, proceeding with the novel, I would have to think about how to develop their magic and resolve the challenges I presented. And find a way to make every sequence new and interesting and suspenseful. Anyway. I kinda miss online socializing. I might use that 7 day free pass Blizzard sent me to play WoW, but if I don’t get to kill Deathwing as they advertised, do I get a refund? LOL. I kinda miss my sexy hunter.

denial

KB — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 01:58:25 +0000

Today, I’m doing the bipolar thing, denying I have an illness, wondering if it’s all just anxiety or something, and I was misdiagnosed. Or maybe it was all the coffee I drank, maybe that’s why I’m acting and feeling all weird and imbalanced, or maybe I really am having anxiety, because really, I am. LOL. I just deleted four posts, because I felt that I had written them spontaneously, I hadn’t thought things out.

But mainly, what’s happening is that I converted the piece I was writing in Julien’s POV from a chapter in the novel to a short story. And it was much more satisfying to me that way. So, I submitted it for publication, and thus, I have all this anxiety and really can’t concentrate on much of anything else. LOL. I still felt like I had a problem with exposition. There were a couple paragraphs I felt were more tell not show, but I couldn’t think of a way to get around it. And even now, I don’t think there’s anything I need to change about it that will make it significantly better or worse. I just hope none of it seems heavy-handed. In the end, when I was having doubts about a phrase or word or sentence or paragraph, I left it out. So, by the time I submitted what I felt was the finished product, I had cut out 300 or so words from the first draft.

And what all this means is that I want to write more stories and I’m putting the novel on hold. Maybe all these stories are going to become the novel. But it seems like I just can’t sustain tone or a narrative arc for 300 pages or so. I really would rather be concise than wordy. The downside is short stories won’t make me money. And I will probably be disabled for the rest of my life. LOL. It’s kind of depressing. And it goes back to that debate about creativity and bipolarity versus normalcy. I tried writing a more commercial fantasy novel, but I didn’t finish it. After all those 6 months of exploring my characters and writing a 78,000 word novel, I ended up with a 4,700 word short story. But the short story is so much better than the novel. If it’s rejected, I’ll submit it elsewhere, I guess. Do some research and try to find someone who will publish it. Or I publish on my own. Sigh. I think more people will like it than hate it, though they may question some things, maybe. I really don’t know.

Anyway, I still need to finish Crow’s story. I haven’t done any writing today. Having a hard time concentrating, like I said, and I’m tired from polishing off J’s story and all the excitement of submitting. I’ve been spending most of my time today in my room. My parents have the day off due to the holiday. Needless to say, it’s hard to get any writing done when they’re home.

GA/PP crossover event

KB — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:40:00 +0000

IMO Private Practice is one of the most underrated broadcast TV dramas. It has such a talented ensemble cast, the characters are honest and authentic, and not gimmicky or eye candy like some characters in Grey’s Anatomy. Viewers will recognize the bigger names like Taye Diggs, Amy Brenneman, and Kate Walsh, but the Paul Adelstien and Kadee Strickland, who portray Cooper and Charlotte, really shined in this week’s episode. For those who don’t know, PP centers around a group of doctors who share a practice. Two of the doctors are psychiatrist, which is probably one of the reasons I relate well to this show.

In this week’s episode, we found out that Sam’s (Taye Diggs) sister has bipolar disorder. She had been missing for 20 years, got hooked on drugs to self-medicate, was homeless, sold herself for money, food and drugs. When Sam found her in last week’s episode, he was overcome with emotion, because he had thought she was dead, and now, he sees her with this illness, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Made me cry, because his experience and emotions resonated with me. And what his sister went through was real tough stuff. And what Charlotte went through, and all the other cast members, having their trials and still living their best lives.

Unlike GA, PP really takes the time to develop characters and explore their emotions and experiences. It’s a slower show, a more adult drama, more real and less glamorized than Grey’s.

p.s. About Cristina and Owen breaking up. I just want it over already, honestly. They need to stop blaming, because they are neither right. They should have discussed family and having babies before getting married, instead, they avoided it, and this is what they get. Everything about the way the got married was wrong in the first place. C was vulnerable, suffering from PTSD, and O was feeling sorry for her, and O has his own issues from PTSD, which probably clouded his judgment or whatever. They have a codependent relationship basically. IMO. Someone has to give, there’s no way to compromise on the abortion issue. And O can’t wait and hope that maybe C will change her mind and want to have babies someday. That’s unrealistic, and really, just hopeless. It’s sad, but that’s life. Maybe, we can hope that C will change her mind, too. If she really loves O that’s what she would do. I think she would make a good mom, despite whatever her fears are. But she would have to change because she wanted to, or she’d resent him, and maybe even resent the baby, and then, the baby would grow up screwed up and all that and need some serious therapy. LOL. So, IMO, they should just break up, instead of bring up an unhappy child.

first person

KB — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 09:04:36 +0000

I switched back to narrating the novel in first person. And I’m writing in Julien’s voice. Because I want to keep things simple, and out of all the characters, Julien has always been the easiest for me to write. And really, the funnest, and most honest. I just don’t think Rika is capable of looking outside herself, because she really doesn’t want to see herself, so she’s not usually honest with herself or the reader. I like seeing Rika from Julien’s perspective, because he tells me more about her than I can in her voice. In this draft, I’m also saying F— description and setting and world-building or whatever. I’m only going to show what feels natural and necessary to me, because exposition slows down not only the pace of the narrative, but my writing.

And I’m not worrying about whether or not I’m writing a good book. I’m tired of chasing an ideal. I’m not writing this book to make art, and when I sit down to write, I’m not thinking about the money either, or getting published or producing a best seller. I’m thinking about what Julien is going to say next to Rika, how Rika is going to respond or surprise him, what decisions they will make apart or together. What they’re wearing, what they look like, how Julien feels when she says his name, how Rika feels when he’s hurt. How they save each other. It’s so Scully and Mulder but better because their relationship isn’t platonic. LOL. Hehe. I make myself laugh sometimes.

So, this Tuesday was a better day, because I’m bipolar, and I have good days and bad days. But what isn’t bipolar about me is my motivation to keep writing. Because despite what mood I’m in, I always want to write and be a writer. I’ve wanted to be a writer since I first read the Bible when I was seven or eight years old. I’ve been reading books since I was six, and have a very clear memory of reading a book during recess in the sandbox in first grade in San Diego, CA, because I was new at school and shy and didn’t know how to make friends. My best friends back then were characters in books, just as it seems, they are today.

sick dog

KB — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 20:38:16 +0000

Say what I will about my parents, they take care of me. There are things I can’t do, daily nonfunctional like cooking or cleaning or just getting out and buying food or shopping. I give them some money from my disability check each month. Maybe that is part of the balance. They were in large part responsible for the behaviors and poor coping skills I developed in my childhood that are symptoms of my Axis II diagnosis. And now they have to deal with the consequences too of bad parenting. That doesn’t mean they are bad people. I think they appreciate me more than they did in the past. Anyway, my dog is sick again. I need to get out of bed. I slept late, woke up late. And I’m kinda hungry.