batsheba.net

I started a new blog for my erotica and other fiction: batsheba.net. I chose Batsheba as my pen name because that’s the name I usually pick for my mains in MMO’s. She’s kinda like my alter ego. And it was convenient that I got the domain name I wanted. I like writing this stuff. I like writing about people and relationships. It’s fun. I could be happy writing this even if I didn’t make money as long as I had some other form of income. I like self-publishing too, because I have control of my work and freedom to express myself. I think the only other thing that would make me happy is to be in a relationship of my own. LOL. But I would need to be healthier in order to achieve that. I am not realistic when it comes to my own expectations in a relationship. I know what I want is beyond my reach. And because it’s unrealistic I know I’ll never be completely happy. But oh well. At least, I get to be a writer and write about characters who do get what they want most of the time, their happy ever afters. I guess I experience life and love vicariously through the characters in my writing. LOL. I’m okay with that. Overall, I’m okay. I am concerned that I might be multitasking and goal-oriented and obsessing with projects. I have multiple story ideas and writing a lot and having hard time sleeping because of all the ideas in my head. It might be a bipolar thing but I don’t care because some of my ideas are pretty good and effective. But I just don’t eat or sleep well when I’m in this overactive imaginative mode. All the ideas atm are distracting me from the novel. But I can’t get them out of my head. I’m going to work on the next part of the Sacramento St story. I know what I want to happen next.

Fighter

I have that Christina Aguilera song in my head which she performed on The Voice on Monday in what appeared to be granny panties. It was very weird. Also weird, who she eliminated. Jesse the soul singer. I was texting my friend Donna while we were watching because it’s the only show we both like. Donna is not into chick shows or action movies and she hates Idol. So we do this kind of play by play live texting while we’re watching the Voice. At least I chat with her once a week. Even if it’s not in person, it’s a connection. I’m not totally isolated. LOL.

Anyway feeling weird since yesterday anxious for some reason. And feeling really tired and going straight to sleep at night so haven’t been sleeping during the day as I was a couple weeks ago when my sleep was all screwed up.

I gotta get back to working on my novel. Seriously. I have to write. I have a really sketchy plot but it still isn’t working for me. I am gonna be said if I don’t finish Julien and Rika’s story. Anyway. Time to get out of bed and do something.

Light or dark

I can’t decide. The choices aren’t as black and white on Imperial side as the Republic. On Republic, the choices are so cut and dry they make it hard and much more repulsive to be bad. I am still Light on my Sith but I have been leaning lately to support the Empire as long as I don’t have to kill in cold blood, torture prisoners, or enslave people.

jessica sanchez “the prayer” on idol 2012

imo. best performance from final judgment round in vegas. one of my top 3 favorites this year. the other two are phil phillips and hollie cavanaugh. would be cool if a girl won this year, but this is a popularity contest more than anything else, so unless it’s close and any of these three make it to the final three, then maybe i’ll vote. otherwise, i’m just watching the show for the singing. although even the singing is boring. would be cool if the judges actually judged as well. the voice ftw. lol.

too much star wars

Not enough writing. Didn’t get any writing done today. Playing that stupid MMO. Sigh. I am going with my Jedi Shadow class and Bounty Hunter Powertech. And that’s it. No more toons. LOL. Too addictive damn it. No gaming during the week. That’s it. Sigh. It is hard for me to be consistent with my writing if I’m not writing and if I’m not thinking about writing. I’m bipolar so I have to work a little bit harder than normal functioning people, because I’m not very high functioning to begin with. So, I have to be more focused on the writing by not thinking about gaming. It is hard work for me to write well enough as it is. FML. Sigh.

lithium

So, my therapist and I were also talking about bipolar writers who did get published and were rather famous, but also unfortunately killed themselves. I mentioned Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf. I said, That’s because they didn’t take Lithium! If they had taken the meds maybe they’d have lived longer.

In the chapter “Missing Saturn” in her book An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison writes about her struggle with taking Lithium and staying on it because she would miss “Saturn.”

I missed my highs; and, once I felt normal again, it was very easy for me to deny that I had an illness that would come back.

trauma

So, my therapist and I were talking about much better I’ve gotten. How before I would always talk about how my parents were upsetting me and now I don’t complain about them, and we talked about how I didn’t have trauma in my childhood. And I said, It was traumatic. And I had a lot of drama in my life. I haven’t forgotten how I felt when I was a kid, how terrorized I felt, because I thought my parents were hurtful and emotionally abusive. To me, even though they weren’t physically abusive, they were still pretty awful. Recently, when I was working on some scenes in the novel, I remembered some of that. I could write a book about my life and it would probably be really interesting to some people who have gone through the same stuff, but it is hard to process and write about and find a way to make it through the day. So, I choose not to. Anyway, maybe my parents are nice now, but that doesn’t change my experience. They don’t give me as much to complain about anymore. So, that’s one reason I don’t talk about them as much in therapy. But if they did treat me the way they did before I got disabled, I’m pretty sure I’d still be complaining about them and probably not very emotionally stable.

people are strange

Sometimes, I wonder if I am like one of those crazy people who try out for American Idol who think they can sing but really really can’t. Because sometimes I think I really can write, and then, I take a step back from the novel, and I can’t believe I thought it was so awesome before. And so I keep trying to make it better than the last draft.

distractions

I hate it when I waste my time surfing the Web. Favorite site: Amazon.com. This is the truth. I spend hours browsing content on Amazon and sending book samples to my Kindle. And I always get pissed off whenever I click on Sci Fi & Fantasy and Paranormal Romances are on the list. I hate Paranormal Romances. There is an aisle in my local B&N store dedicated to Teen Paranormal Romances, and last time I was there, it was next to SF&F. Gruesome. I haven’t set foot in that store since then.

live long and be happy

Awhile ago, years ago, someone asked what I would wish for if I had only one wish. I said I would want to be happy and live a long life. Two wishes indeed, but implying that I am not happy and afraid I will not live long.

Right now, all I’m wishing is that nothing will come between me and my novel, and I will finish it before I die. It would be cool if I could write more novels, but even if I could just finish this and say what I need to say, then maybe things will be all good.