sad stories

Idk why I’m so depressed today. I only slept about an hour, and I can’t go back to sleep because I start crying. I was thinking of a story all night, even when I was sleeping, because as soon as I woke up I was thinking of the story. So I guess didn’t really sleep. Maybe the story makes me sad. I went ahead and submitted pretty much the original version of Crow’s story but tacked on the new ending, which made me sad again. I am also depressed because my back is still hurting, and it hurts when I’m sitting at my desk trying to write. I cancelled therapy this week because I didn’t get enough sleep and didn’t want to get out of bed and really didn’t feel like talking about my issues whatever they are with my therapist. Maybe another reason I’m crying is because the issues I don’t talk about in therapy form the substance of my stories. Yesterday, I was thinking about Iceland and the first Gulf War, and I’ve been imagining how I would integrate my memories and feelings of that time in a short story set in Julien and Rika’s world in a way that would further inform their experience. Damn it, I need to get some sleep. I have to pick up my meds or I won’t have any Lithium for tonight. I am probably the only bipolar in the world who is completely meds compliant. I have just been hospitalized too many times, in some really insane places that make you more crazy, and I never want to go back there.

I just got an email from Amazon subject: Bestselling Epic Fantasy. Two of the books listed were fantasy romance or paranormal romance NOT Epic Fantasy. How annoying.

idol top 13 boys

Idol is so fake. They should cut straight to the top 12 next week. They should skip the top 24 altogether. They really should make earlier cuts. I am not very impressed with the boys. Although I agree that Phillip Phillips should have stuck more closely to the melody of the Phil Collins song, he was still the most exciting (and hottest) performer tonight. Plus, he sings the kind of music I listen to. So, if I were going to vote, I would vote for Phillip Phillips.

1,000 words a day

Sounds like an almost realistic goal. I did it, but the manuscript was crap. Now, I am trying harder and writing better stuff but my production is less consistent. I’ve only written 750 words of new material since I completed the short story. I am kinda depressed about this. Also, my back is hurting again, so I haven’t been able to spend as much time at my computer as I’d like. I’ve been writing notes and the occasional phrases I hear and compose in my head but I’d rather have drafted another short story or a chapter by now or revised Crow’s story and submitted it for publication. I don’t think Crow’s story represents the best writing I can do, though. So I’m holding off until I feel inspired about it, or have a solid idea on how I can improve it. But mostly I am anxious to get working on Julien’s story/novel. I am worried about the plot again. I know which scenes or events I want to show. I just don’t know what to put in between them. Like how do I make useless information useful or interesting so I can fill up hundreds of pages? LOL. I am really not good at making stuff up. If I am bored with it, I’m sure the readers will be too.

dwts season 14 cast revealed

My pick: Melissa Gilbert. I remember her from Little House on the Prairie. I read that book when I was a kid and loved it. She’s got Maks though. Sometimes, he just gets it wrong, and can be overdramatic. But he’s come so close to winning these past couple seasons. Maybe this will be his season to win it. I also like Martina Navratilova of course. Gladys Knight and Sherie from the View. But I really want to see how Melissa and Maks will do together. Interesting pairing. Laura was a tough independent spirit in LHOTP. I think Melissa Gilbert can hold her own against him. New season starts March 19.

too much star wars

Not enough writing. Didn’t get any writing done today. Playing that stupid MMO. Sigh. I am going with my Jedi Shadow class and Bounty Hunter Powertech. And that’s it. No more toons. LOL. Too addictive damn it. No gaming during the week. That’s it. Sigh. It is hard for me to be consistent with my writing if I’m not writing and if I’m not thinking about writing. I’m bipolar so I have to work a little bit harder than normal functioning people, because I’m not very high functioning to begin with. So, I have to be more focused on the writing by not thinking about gaming. It is hard work for me to write well enough as it is. FML. Sigh.

five hours

That’s how much time I spent sitting with my laptop staring at the screen while playing Words With Friends while trying to find the words and rhythm and flow for Julien’s novel. And now that I finally got going again, I’m feeling sleepy. LOL. It’s around 1:30 am here in So Cal. But I have a good start now, and things will get better from here. I hope. I’m not too sure where this arc is going to fit in the whole narrative, but somehow it will make sense. I’m really not too concerned with plot, but with showing some kind of truth, reality, or emotion. And also, history the place and people. To me, the story isn’t just about battling and/or defeating evil. But it’s about what these characters went through, their personal journeys along the way. It’s not so much about “world-building” or creating an original setting, but about how they lived, so it’s more about society and culture and environment. There are few scifi fantasy authors I feel truly created believable worlds, that seemed to truly exist, and were not just settings. Anne McCaffrey’s Pern was one that really stood out for me. I honestly can’t say that Eddings’ Belgariad was all that special to me. Although the settings in the Belgariad varied, they all felt a little one-dimensional and homogeneous. Anyway, I guess I will try to sleep, hopefully tomorrow I can be more productive. I was starting to get depressed again, worrying that I wouldn’t be able to write the novel.

streamlined

That’s what SWTOR MMO is. The UI looks like WoW. The talent trees look like WoW. The action bars function like WoW. Although I really like how the companion bar can fit below my character bar. As well how my target icon sits on the right opposite my character’s. But the casting bar with the cooldowns and the resource bar all so like WoW.

Moderating

Since I started playing SWTOR MMO, I haven’t done any writing. When I go to the computer room, I turn on my gaming laptop instead of my MacBook. So, tonight I cleaned up my bedroom and made space so that I can move my MacBook back in. This way in the morning when I wake up I won’t go downstairs and turn on my Gateway. Instead, I will stay in my room and turn on my MacBook. I just can’t have my gaming PC and my writing laptop in the same room anymore or I will not get anything done. The Star Wars MMO is just too freaking addicting. I want to level up to 50 already LOL. So, after tonight, no gaming for me unless I have done some writing. I know there should be an exercise plan involved as well but there isn’t oh well.

confidence

My confidence is kinda low right now. I just don’t know if my writing is good enough to get published. It’s getting better, which is better than getting worse. LOL. I think I’m a better writer than I was six months ago. There is a lot of stuff out there that gets published all the time that isn’t very good. And there are probably equally as many, or maybe more, good stuff that doesn’t get published.

hunter

I’m a hunter again. Woot. Cyborg Bounty Hunter Imperial in SWTOR. I can blast missiles from my bracers. LOL. So, needless to say, I didn’t get much writing done today. I need to practice moderation. This game feels slightly addictive, and I don’t want to get so sucked into it that I neglect my writing. Trade and general chat quiet atm, which is nice. I hope the game doesn’t get polluted WoW-style and won’t be as much drama. I definitely do not want drama. Right now, I am just enjoying the role playing and questing and class abilities and environments. There are a lot more character customization options in SWTOR than WoW. And of course the cinematic cutscenes are very cool.